Can I Be Honest?

Can I Be Honest?

I spent the majority of my life in a small town in central Pennsylvania. If you visited the town during the summer or fall months, you might think it’s one of the prettiest small towns you’ve ever seen. From the river to the rolling hills, the farm land and the foliage, the beauty and charm is impossible to escape.

But if you came here in the winter, say from December through March, you might not feel the same way. On average, there are 172 sunny days out of 365 - and the majority of those sunless days fall during the first few months of the year. 

My family and friends will often refer to this time as a season of “seasonal depression.” It’s dark. It’s gloomy. The days are short and sometimes, the fog is so thick that if it stays for an entire day, you won’t be able to see much further than 15 feet in front of you. 

A few days ago as I was visiting family and seeing Renee in person for the first time (more on that soon!), it was a day just as the one described. During the drive home, I spent time reflecting on the day and it occurred to me that the dark and gloomy and foggy and cold, wet, gray day was a snapshot of the current season I am walking through. 

As I continued thinking through this I realized how hard it has been to not just share this with others but to admit it to myself. “Why is that,” I pondered. Is it machismo? Do I just want to deny reality? Am I okay with living by the age old adage, “ignorance is bliss?” 

Can I be honest? For me personally, it comes down to one word: pride.

Putting up a front is easy. Saying nice things or being polite or telling someone everything is good (when it’s not) comes second nature to me. But being honest with yourself and others? To ask for help? Well, that has been down right hard for me!

What’s ironic is that you can try and hide things internally but eventually they will manifest physically and guess what? I’m 20lbs heavier than I’ve ever been in my life, less active than I’ve been in 20+ years, have spent less intentional time in the Word & prayer than I have in 10+ years and some days, I haven’t wanted to get out of bed.

Over the past month or so I have been sharing this with more and more people. Slowly but surely I’ve had glimpses of “me” again. While the changes are slow and subtle, my eating habits, workout habits and social habits have been slightly improving. 

Why? Because the Lord has finally allowed part of that pride-wall to be knocked down and strengthened me to ask for help.

Last night, as I finished playing pickleball, a new friend and I started catching up. When I asked if he’d be playing the next day, he told me he couldn’t because he was flying out for a funeral. He proceeded to tell me through tears that this was a friend he’s known for decades.

He was under 40, successful, married with two kids and by all outward appearances, living the American dream. So it's no surprise that when my friend got a call a week ago that his friend committed suicide, he was completely shocked.

I hung with my friend for a while and listened as shared his grief. “Everything seemed great.” “He was the last guy you would have ever thought would do this.” I shared with my friend the struggles I’ve been going through and we both agreed that sharing is far better than keeping it in. 

But it also got me thinking of one of the greatest gifts we have as Christians is the local church and being able to call one another “brother” or “sister.” 

Where would the first century church have been without one another? How could they have survived without one another? Is it not foolishness on my part to think that I can do it all on my own? 

If God made us part of his family, what would the enemy want more than anything? 

Isolation. 

Can I be honest? Isolation kills. 

It is not healthy for us as Christians (or anyone for that matter) to think it’s okay to try and muscle through things and “pull ourselves up by the bootstraps.” That may be what the world thinks but that’s not how God designed us. 

So please, if you’re in a similar spot, if life is foggy and gray and you don’t want to get out of bed, please tell someone. Ask a brother or sister to pray for you. Message your pastor. Don’t buy into the enemy’s lie that you can do it on your own. You can’t and that’s okay. 

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I thought I’d end on one thing that I’ve never been great at but which has really helped: Recognizing God’s glory and perfection in as many moments during the day that I possibly can. 

On that rainy day I mentioned above? I couldn’t help but admire the way he paints the sky gray and allows raindrops to hang off of pine branches. Can you believe that you can even “smell” rain? How crazy is that? God came up with that. 

Seeing my 2 year old daughter give my wife a huge hug every morning.

The way the stars seem to glow brighter in the night sky on a cold evening. 

A midnight fire.

The sound of my 4 year old’s laugh. 

And a few hours ago, as my wife and I celebrated her cousin getting married, I couldn’t help but pause for a moment to take it all in and give thanks to the Lord. 

He created love. Not only was it His idea but He himself is love! I looked around at all of the people smiling and crying and dancing and watching and thought, “this is all because of Him…He deserves all of the glory!” 

How often do I go through a day forgetting to realize it was He who gave me emotions? It was He who gave me the ability to cry as I watched two people become one at the altar. It was He who invented marriage. 

And when we got home from the wedding around 1:30 a.m. and I couldn’t fall asleep, it was He who drew me to himself. And it was He who brought the first part of Hebrews 1:3 to my mind at 2:30:

“He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power.”

All of the beauty we see around us - the sound of waves crashing, a baby laughing, a bride and groom being married - pales in comparison to His one and only son, Jesus.

Philippians 2:6-8 says:

“who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:6-8).”

Jesus made himself nothing. 

Jesus took the form of a servant. 

Jesus humbled himself by being obedient to death - even death on a cross. 

Can I be honest? The enemy wants us to pursue the temporary pleasures of this world so that we lose sight of our Savior. 

The solution? Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus and pray for your brothers and sisters to do the same. 

In closing, I have one request: Will you keep my family and I in your prayers? 

As always, please email our team directly with any prayer requests you have. We look over and pray for each one. 

In Christ,

Pete

23 comments

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Silvesta

Thank you for sharing, your not alone we are here and I will definitely be praying for you and your family.

Much love and prayers.
Silvesta

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Michael

Would love it if we lived near each other, Pete. We think a lot alike. But, you’re back East and I’m out West (where we have the exact opposite conditions as it relates to sunshine). 🙏🏼

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Leanne

As a single mother with a house full of the flu drudging through what I like to call “mud season” in Kentucky, I feel this in my bones. Thank you for sharing. Salvation, sanctification, growth and healing are found in the vulnerable real messy parts of life. I’ve been reading some psalms to feel seen and heard by a God who really loves us in every season. Feeling the feelings alongside my church family. You and your family are in my prayers.

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Joe DeSouza

Praying for you Pete!

Like you said, putting up a front while you’re going through trials is easy. The chaplain of our ministry has a way to break through that facade when he meets with our missionaries (which I am one)…he asks “how are you doing?” And invariably the person he is speaking with always says “good!”…BUT then he asks” how are you REALLY doing?!” and the truth starts flowing out…
It’s easy to stay in that cave; the enemy wants to keep you there, isolated from others-but with communion with God, and the help of close friends and community, we can get out of that place of isolation.

May God richly bless you today!
Joe

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by William

Thanks for being brave enough to share and pointing towards the beauty of our Creator.
We are in a similar seasonal pattern and this time of year is always kinda rough for me. Also going through adjustments with kids getting older and moving out of our home. Helps to know others are walking a similar path. Praying for ya guys!

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by David Helson Jr

I’ve actually committed suicide and doctors brought me back after over 15 min with no life signs. You’re absolutely right. I hid how I truly felt and was trying to fix it myself. I felt ashamed about my thoughts and stopped praying. Then I listened to the lies of it would be better if I was dead. The most happy people are often the most sad. Keep me in your prayers and I will do the same for you

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Tawnya

God bless you for having the courage to expose difficult feelings and share with your customers/readers the negative emotions that you are experiencing right now. Many of us are walking the same path. Hearing of others’ challenges helps to soften the effect of “this is only happening to me.” May we understand that God did not promise that we would not have troubles in this life; rather we are assured that our faithful God has overcome the world (John 16:33). May the joy of Christmas pierce your soul and bring abundant life back to your heart and mind! Merry Christmas 🎄

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Rev Todd Smith

Pete, God Loves you!!!
Well done good and faithful servant.
Peace and Blessings on you and your family.
Peace,
“Pastor Odd Todd "

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Elice

Thank you for your vulnerability and encouragement!

Dec 13, 2024 • Posted by Garett

Thank you for sharing this. This is huge for me to read right now. I feel to be in a very similar spot as you! I don’t understand why I’m here in this spot as it may just be a season. Living in the cold dark winter is hard place to be. I live that too. Your friends friend I am sorry for them and pray for them. Not long ago I was in a similar place and nobody knew that. I tend to stick to myself and feel like there is nobody else. If we don’t seek the small things that God has created for us as a reminder, it’s easy to go down a path of suicide. I pray for you and your family as well as those who are hurting and sad. Thanks for sharing!!

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